Forgive: Winter Mountain Snow
Note: This blog is a personal recollection of survival and faith, and not a substitute for professional counseling or advise. Read at your own risk. When in doubt, seek out a professional opinion.
Undeserving
For me — every single smile feels undeserved. I think it will always be that way. So you might wonder, “Why do you smile, Amy?” Or in other words, what reasons do you have to smile?
It’s a fair question. I marvel all the time at the fact that I have been able to smile, to laugh, to feel joy. I often wonder whether or not I should allow myself to feel these things?
There’s even been times when I’ve laughed wholeheartedly out loud only to find someone nearby who knows about the accident staring at me sideways. I imagine they are thinking I’ve lost my marbles or somehow forgotten about the tragedy. Or perhaps they aren’t thinking that exactly, but that’s what I tend to assume they are thinking. Whether or not they are, it’s how I imagine people might feel. And inside, I myself feel half crazy for doing it.
Do you want to hear something totally strange? It makes me want to laugh and smile more. There’s this rebellious stubbornness that rises up in me. I think it’s because I’ve known what it’s like to pull myself up out of bed every morning, month after month, thinking I would never smile again. So, I truly tend to treasure it more than I ever did before. I’ve pushed past deep feelings of shame-with only faith that I had a reason to live- just so that I could be there for my three-year-old daughter who needed her mom (whether I felt like I had anything to give her or not.)
I’ve relied upon God’s grace to do it- and to my amazement He’s chosen to walk with me every step of the way. He’s carried me in His arms like a wounded lamb- ever so gently and kindly. It was because of His love that I survived. And so, there’s kind of this unapologetic side of me after all that- that’s like,
“No, I don’t feel like I have the right to smile today. But out of His infinite riches of mercy and grace (the likes of which I cannot begin to fully comprehend!) Jesus gave me my smiles back anyway and I’m going to relish every single one!”
I have decided not to apologize to anyone for surviving the worst nightmare of my life. I survived just long enough to see that God was not lying when He said in His word:
“Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all of the days of my life. And I shall dwell in the house of hte Lord forever.” (Psalm 23:6)
Believe me, that’s been one of the biggest shocks of my life! Who knew that God would apply this verse- even to me!?? And yet here I am, living and breathing and walking in it.
He Who Is Forgiven Much, Loves Much
There’s been this mystery unfolding as I take each new step along this lonely road. It’s that there’s this paradoxical reality. I have found that in the midst of the deeper valleys, the joys have been strangely deeper too. How can I describe why this might be?
Let’s discuss a passage in scripture found in Luke 7. I think that might be a good place to start.
A Sinful Woman Anoints Jesus
(Matthew 26:6–13; Mark 14:3–9; John 12:1–8)
36Then one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to eat with him, and He entered the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. 37When a sinful woman from that town learned that Jesus was dining there, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume. 38As she stood behind Him at His feet weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears and wipe them with her hair. Then she kissed His feet and anointed them with the perfume.
39When the Pharisee who had invited Jesus saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, He would know who this is and what kind of woman is touching Him—for she is a sinner!”
40But Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”
“Tell me, Teacher,” he said.
41“Two men were debtors to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. 42When they were unable to repay him, he forgave both of them. Which one, then, will love him more?”
43“I suppose the one who was forgiven more,” Simon replied.
“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.
44And turning toward the woman, He said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? When I entered your house, you did not give Me water for My feet, but she wet My feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45You did not greet Me with a kiss, but she has not stopped kissing My feet since I arrived. 46You did not anoint My head with oil, but she has anointed My feet with perfume. 47Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven, for she has loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.”
48Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”
49But those at the table began to say to themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?”
50And Jesus told the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
Did you catch the part where Jesus says that those who have been forgiven much will love much? It reminds me of this poem from J.R.R. Tolkien, found in The Fellowship of the Ring:
“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”
Those last words, “it grows perhaps the greater.” That resonates with me deeply because I believe I’ve seen and felt that in my life. To be clear, I don’t think this is something that just happens. I think it’s something that is chosen, fought and bled for with tooth and nail perhaps- even on a daily basis.
But the amazing thing is that God is there fighting along with you. And that makes all the difference!
Not Our Own Strength
Now you might say,
“Well Amy, that all sounds great because you were the one being forgiven. But in my life, I’m the one who is supposed to forgive, and it’s beyond anything I could ever have the strength to do (even if I had the desire!)”
Even before the accident, one of my favorite stories of forgiveness was from the true life experience of the highly successful musician, David Meece. Meece grew up in a home with an abusive, alcoholic father who inflicted both physical and emotional trauma on his son, including holding a gun to his head! He recalls the night his drunken father drove a car through his bedroom wall, stumbled out and shouted straight to his face that he was “Worthless!” In many ways, it was a miracle that Meece survived.
After his father's death in 1986, Meece found himself consumed by feelings of hatred and anger. He sought help through counseling and prayer but struggled for many years to overcome these feelings.
It wasn’t until one day, while praying, Meece recalls that God gave him a vision of his father. He saw his father as a terrified, wounded child. In that moment, Meece says that it was as if God reached down his hand and scooped out every bit of lingering pain and hatred from his heart. He realized he had finally forgiven his father!
He believes this was only possible by the power of God.
Yes, indeed. There are times when forgiveness is too hard to give without divine help.
This reminds me of the famous story by Corrie Ten Boom. Her forgiveness moment happened years after her release from a Nazi concentration camp. During one of her international speaking tours, one of her former guards appeared (whom she immediately recognized) and asked her for forgiveness. Instantly, she was overwhelmed with feelings of bitterness. Her sister, Betsie, had died in the camp, and Corrie was personally still wrestling with the trauma and the cruelty of their guards.
Corrie decided to pray.
She asked for God to help her to forgive- because she felt in her heart that it was something she truly could not do in her own strength.
As she extened her hand to the guard, she felt a current of warmth and love flood over her like lightning! She was able to sincerely say, "I forgive you, brother! With all my heart!"
These stories tell more about what it takes to truly forgive than anything I could ever say. It is a gift from God and not something of our own strength or making.
Yet, the powerful thing about it is that it sets both people free at the same time.
Richness Beyond Your Wildest
I’ve heard it said that when we go through hard trials, we can either “become bitter, or become better.” As horrifying as it sounds, when we choose not to forgive others for the harm they have caused, we are the ones who suffer the most.
This is a bit hard for me to write, because I may likely be the greatest debtor in my life. Or as Paul put it, “the chief of sinners.” Yet, I’ve known enough from my walk with God over the years to know that unforgiveness is a kind of captor that leaves no survivors.
The best analogy I can think to explain it is that God is so much like a father on the beach- watching his son or daughter hold onto a fist full of messy wet sand- waiting to see when they will finally let it go.
God asks us to let go of the mess- so that He can fill our hands with the richness of His treasures.
It feels like such a loss to us. We don’t want to let go of what is precious in our eyes: the right to be hurt, the very real need for justice, and the feelings of loss we may have inside. Yet, we will never understand what God wants to give us in return, if we don’t let go of that sloppy, festering mess in our hands.
Greater Debt and Greater Gain
Jesus really brings this home in Matthew 18:21-35.
Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor
21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”
22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!
23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. 24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. 25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.
26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ 27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.
28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.
29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. 30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.
31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. 32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ 34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.
35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”
It may be, Dear One, that you have to forgive others for far more than you will ever need to ask for forgiveness. (The opposite of me!) How can you ever stomach such an unfair situation?
You must remember that God knows what that is like. He’s the epitome of pure love- and as such He’s never done anything evil or wrong! Every lie you’ve ever told, every time you’ve chosen a selfish act over others, God’s heart has bled more than you or I could possibly imagine- it’s so far from His nature. Yet, He chose to lay down His life for you, so that you might life with Him forever. This is a debt that neither you nor I could ever repay. Not in a billion years!
The only way I believe we can have the strength to forgive others is to remember that God has forgiven each of us for a far greater debt.
It’s so hard to comprehend- and maybe for some to truly feel- but it’s the reality of our situation as human beings. The miracle is that when we choose to follow in Christ’s footsteps- we are the ones who are set free. And that freedom isn’t just for this lifetime, but it’s an everlasting and priceless gift.
Though Your Sins Are Like Scarlet
Isaiah 1:18 says:
“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.’”
Do you know that every time it snows here in Central Colorado, I think of that verse. It feels like God covers my heart each time a little more with the knowledge of His unearthly, unmerited grace. His kind of forgiveness is not a muddying over. It’s a completely new fresh start- white as a gentle powdery drizzle of winter mountain snow!
God’s forgiveness cost Him too much for me to waste. And if I don’t believe it was for me, then I don’t really believe it was for anyone.
And yet I always have believed it is for anyone, and I still do. It doesn’t mean consequences in this life mustn’t be faced or that trust doesn’t need to be rebuilt. All of those things are still real and important. Yet, if I truly believe God’s grace is for everyone, I can believe it’s for me too. And I’m not going to give that back, not for anyone! Even when I don’t fully feel it- I can walk in it.
That’s the reason I can smile.
I pray that one of the reasons God has kept me alive is so that I can let others know that they are still deeply loved by Him, no matter what they’ve done in the past.
In the end, forgiveness (for both ourselves and for others) is giving our Heavenly Father that fistful of filthy sand. We may feel as if we’ve lost everything. We may feel as if we have nothing to gain. Or we may feel as if we don’t deserve it. Yet once we’ve done it, we will find that we’ve gained treasures beyond anything this world has to offer.
Dear One, won’t you open your hand today (even just a little)?
